英國學校有時要求學生寫narrative essays，而經常出現的narrative essay topics之一是遊記。

下面這篇來自Year 6學生的遊記，犯了典型的錯——把旅遊當天的所見所聞平鋪直敘地說一遍就了事。所以縱使學生grammar和sentence structure方面掌握得不錯，要確保能拿到高分，最好還加插旅途中的心靈體會。我的rewrite演示了如何這麽做。

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My day at the Lake District

Student
The clear blue sky was filled with pigeons, a peaceful sight for me to behold as the boat I was in swung me back and forth. A gentle freeze blew in my face. When I went onshore, I spotted some swings which I could play for free. I quickly grabbed one. After a while I heard mum calling me. We had to head off to the woods now. I picked up stick and poked the dried leaves on the ground for fun. Time flew past and in a blink of an eye, it was time to go home.

My rewrite
Though my trip to the Lake DIstrict would have been worthwhile for the restorative effect it had on my soul alone, even more wonderful was the philosophical takeaway I got from it: the realization that the best things in life are free.
The swing that allowed me to suspend myself mid-air and pretend I was a trapeze artist – it was free. The wind that blew my hair to my face and carried with it the fresh scent of grass and dew – it was free. The heaps of dried leaves on the forest ground which I could poke with a stick for fun – they were free.
In the future, in times of stress, I hope I’ll think back on these moments of tranquillity, head out to nature, and literally stop and smell the flowers.

 

Michelle Ng
英國牛津大學畢業，前《蘋果日報》和《眾新聞》專欄作家，現在身在楓葉國，心繫中國大陸和香港。
聯絡方式： michelleng.coach@proton.me
個人網站： https://michellengwritings.com
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