“Knowing what to leave out is just as important as knowing what to focus on” – 這句話雖然來自股神巴菲特，但同樣適用於寫作。以下面兩個遊記版本為例，第一個版本加插了大量讀者不會感興趣的信息，第二個版本不單是一篇遊記，還包含從旅途中領悟到的人生哲理。顯然，沒knowing what to leave out 的意識，更難培養 what to focus on 的認知。
Student version
At 8 am that morning, we left for the North York Moors from our school. We had 10 people in Year 8 and 9 people in Year 9 going.
We arrived at our destination at 3 pm and had our dinner of fried chicken and mashed potatoes at 5 pm. The chicken was surprisingly good, even better than KFC. The mashed potatoes were likewise incredible, so creamy and smooth. After dinner it was game time. Year 8 played Monopoly while Year 9 played Bingo. When we went to our bedrooms, we discovered the beds didn’t have proper beddings. We had to sleep in our sleeping bags instead.
The next morning, we woke up at 8 and had sausage and fried eggs as breakfast. I really wanted to go cycling but was assigned to the hiking team (only Year 9 boys were allowed to cycle on the first day). The view we saw was beautiful, so the hike wasn’t exactly a waste of time. By the time we got back it was already 4 pm. We had pizza for dinner. It was good. Then it was game time and bedtime.
On the second day, we woke up at 8 am and went to cycle at 9 am. It was my first time riding on a mountain bike on rocky roads, where I tried skill looping. I fell like 10 times and scratched my knees many times, whereas the other boys had fun because they had already tried skill looping before. Luckily, I mastered it quickly. After lunch we went to a cafe where we had some ice cream. When we got back we had bangers and mash. The meal was as good as the previous ones. Afterwards, like the previous nights, it was game time then bed time.
I was happy to leave because I didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in a sleeping bag.
My rewrite
One of the takeaways I got from my school trip to the North York Moors is it’s sometimes good to not get what I want.
I didn’t want to go hiking on my first day. I would have preferred to go cycling instead, but that privilege went to older students. Fortunately, I quickly put my resentment behind me and was duly rewarded. After a two-hour hike that had all of us huffing and puffing by the time we reached the summit, we were greeted with a panoramic view of endless undulating hills punctuated by a burst of blooming heather here and there. It was a spectacle John Constable would have ached to paint.
Given how eye-opening my first day had gone, I was psyched up for a more thrilling second day, as I finally got to be on a bike. I was not disappointed. I wasn’t given a cruiser bike, which I was used to riding. I was given a mountain bike, which provided me with the means to navigate the far challenging terrain of rocky trails and 45 degree slopes. We were also given the opportunity to skill loop, gliding along a circular path that often had us tilting sideways quite precipitously. I was the only boy who was trying skill looping for the very first time, so it was only natural that I ended up being the one who fell the most – at least 10 times. Luckily, I was able to get a hang of it quickly, and soon enough, I was able to ride as smoothly as all the others.
That night, as I slipped under covers, I could feel the cuts and bruises on my limbs chafing against my sleeping bag. A small price to pay for the exhilaration of mastering a new aspect of cycling, if you ask me. The second takeaway I got from my school trip is therefore how pain can sometimes be positive.
Watch this interview for more information on my approach to teaching English writing: https://youtu.be/aQbAsMMHPd8
Michelle Ng
英國牛津大學畢業，前《蘋果日報》和《眾新聞》專欄作家，現在身在楓葉國，心繫中國大陸和香港。
聯絡方式： michelleng.coach@proton.me
個人網站： https://michellengwritings.com
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