
關於中國古代四大美女之一的王昭君,有個民間傳說。她入宮後因不願賄賂朝廷的畫師,所以畫師故意把她畫得醜,導致皇帝一直沒興趣見她。後來皇帝需要選宮女去匈奴和親,就選了她。等到她出宮那一刻,皇帝才看到她的美,但一切已太晚。
我的學生群中,有四、五十歲在企業做管理的中年人,他們經常讓我想起這個王昭君傳說。他們專業、敬業,但他們寫的英文,跟畫師給王昭君繪的畫像一樣,沒反映他們優點,有時,單看他們的英文,甚至會誤以為他們沒有 sense。
下面是一個專業背景強的中年學生寫的英文(因我要保護學生隱私,所以我改動了所有關鍵信息,只保存了原文的框架)。學生想向G7國家申請技術移民,那個國家要求申請人也遞交 personal statement,學生先自己寫了 personal statement 的 introduction,然後讓我改。
你們可以把她的版本跟我的 rewrite 比較,她一開始從大學讀書情況說起,可能她覺得講述自己應按時間順序,但如果從移民官的角度來看,他/她會對一個40來歲申請人的大學生涯感興趣嗎?我的 rewrite 就考慮到移民官的口味,我一開始只談我如何能給加拿大作出貢獻,給了移民官正面的第一印象,就更能增加移民成功的機率。
Student’s version
I am Chan Siu Ming, a structural engineer in Hong Kong with 15 years of work experience. I graduated from the University of Hong Kong with First Class Honors in Civil Engineering in 2000. In addition, I received my masters in Infrastructure Management from the same university in 2005. According to the QS World University Rankings by Subject in 2024, the University of Hong Kong was ranked 15 in Civil Engineering (it is number one in Hong Kong). I was chartered as a member of the Hong Kong Engineers Association in 2002.
While I was studying at University, I became interested in green engineering in construction., specifically, the use of cement that could capture CO2 and therefore perform the function of reducing carbon footprint. In my final year project, I chose to focus on Geopolymer Cement, due to my fascination with its ability to reduce greenhouse gas.
My rewrite
Need a structural engineer well-versed in the art and science of accelerating construction as Canada strives to make up for its shortage of two million homes in British Columbia and Ontario?
I bring to the table world-class expertise in 3D construction printing (3DCP), taking pride in having reduced construction time by 25% for the large-scale government-funded projects I once oversaw.
Need specialists in Smart Materials, so that some of the infrastructure to be constructed under Canada’s Green Buildings Strategy can be composed of concrete that is self-heating?
I offer a wealth of experience in coating structures that can withstand the stresses exerted by extreme temperature.
Need to equip structures with sensors that track land movements in earthquake-prone Vancouver?
I’m adept at installing Advanced Geotechnical Sensors in all kinds of buildings, making it possible to monitor changes in soil conditions in real time.
As recognition of my achievements, in my home country of Hong Kong, I was given the Hong Kong Engineer Association Gold Medal in 2010 and the HKEA Engineer of the Year Award in 2015.
I’m currently Chief Engineer at the ABC Construction Firm. Prior to this, I worked for the Hong Kong Government’s Construction Division for 10 years, spearheading its effort to build new transits, environmentally-friendly labs and landslide-proof structures.
我經常督促學生,學好英文寫作,不單是為了考試拿高分,主要是為了以後在職場,自己所寫的business emails, reports, proporals, 能為自己形象加分,讓外界看到能言善辯、思路清晰的自己。
Michelle Ng
英國牛津大學畢業,前《蘋果日報》和《眾新聞》專欄作家,現在身在楓葉國,心繫中國大陸和香港。
聯絡方式: michelleng.coach@proton.me
個人網站: https://michellengwritings.com
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